TWENTYTWENTYFOUR

I LOVE this time of year, I always feel like it’s a bit of a blank slate, a chance to reflect on the year that’s been and set some intentions for the year ahead. I inevitably feel pretty hopeful.

This year is no different, better than most in many ways. Not sure I’ve ever had such mixed feelings of the last 12 months though. Professionally and personally 2023 was arguably the most successful of my life to date. Things have been going so well that I have had the occasional wave of dread and wondered when it’s all going to fall apart. I’ve always felt so chaotic that the steady progress (and in some cases realisation of things that have been a long time coming) of the last 2ish years has been…weird.

Professionally in 2023 I have been able to maintain, and in many ways excel in, fulltime employment while actively pursuing coaching and coach development opportunities. I have worked in a role with large crossover into my coaching and been able to leverage the two off one another for my own development and to provide opportunities for athletes. The total number of athletes I work with has increased, as has the level of competition they are targeting. I set very specific goals for myself in the youth space last year and exceeded even my own expectations. I was selected into my first international coaching team, made multiple international connections, visited three new countries while coaching, and coached my first World level event. I have benefited from involvement within two High Performance Sport New Zealand development pathways (which also paid for the aforementioned trips) and been exposed to a huge amount of knowledge, support, and new experiences as a result. It was a great year.

On a personal level, 2023 brought the most financial stability I’ve ever had. Money has been a pretty consistent cause of concern for pretty much my whole life. I never went without as a child but it was always present as a stressor. As an adult honestly I’ve just made lots of dumb financial decisions. I’ve spent 10 years total as a fulltime student and another 5ish working in sport and/or coaching but in situations where the work was inconsistent or paid me fuck all. So very nearly all of my adult life I had prioritised doing the things I wanted to do over earning and well it was fun until it wasn’t. I miss the flexible lifestyle and living and breathing my passions, I do not miss wondering if I am going to be able to pay my rent next week. Hilariously things actually escalated last year to the point that my partner and I were able to buy a house. Neither of us had really thought it was going to be an option and then by October we’d done it. I’m writing this at my desk in the spare room of the house I own. Life is wild. We also caught a stray kitten and now we have a cat-son who has bought me unexpected amounts of joy.

Alongside all of this I’ve almost started to enjoy getting older, in the sense that the little doubting voice in my head doesn’t have as much to say anymore. It gets quite hard to question whether you’re good enough or capable of doing something when the evidence that you are and you can starts to really mount up. The older I get the more I know and have achieved, and the more I can relax into confidence. It’s actually QUITE NICE, I only wish I tried it earlier.

So lots of wins. But here’s the mixed feelings bit; lots of output I am not proud of and even more work and ideas left unfinished. Particularly in the last few months of the year I battled to be the coach I know I am. I was tired. Standards on everything slipped, including the fulltime job that is kind of important because coaching ain’t paying the bills. I can’t remember the last time I delivered a piece of work within the timeframe I wanted to. I was repeatedly overwhelmed and unfortunately for this little ADHD brain my go-to reaction when that happens is to withdraw. Feeling myself start to avoid communicating with athletes or not wanting to be present in the gym when those are key elements of what coaching (i.e. the thing I love) is, is quite frustrating. A lot of my ongoing personal goals fell off- I didn’t have the capacity to engage in much of my PD beyond physical attendance. My social media and website content creation was a mess. I do find it a little funny that for me at least if I’m not posting anything, it’s not because I don’t have anything to post, rather I have so much going on that content just feels like one thing too many (also I’m extremely inefficient at it; it’s not unusual for a blog or reel to have had 3-4 hours total spent on it before it is posted).

Physically this year has sucked balls for me. I stopped lifting (admittedly I did make an attempt at qualifying for Nationals last minute and shockingly (not at all shocking) it didn’t work out) with the intent that I would work on a bunch of things that hopefully would help my knees long term. The PRP I received in April was amazing, and massively improved my day to day function. I know it’s not a cure though and 8 months later I am already aware of returning symptoms in my right knee. What actually happened, as I was busier than ever and lacking accountability, is I slowly but surely did less and less, to the point where there were many weeks where my step count and incidental movement associated with coaching was my only real source of physical activity. I wrestle with my identity in relation to my physical self in terms of what I want my body to represent, and the capability I wish to possess as coach. Despite the knees I’m also not done with weightlifting as an athlete. Not feeling comfortable in my skin has resulted in a little sprinkling of misery over all other parts of my life and not something I’m willing to tolerate any longer. I’ve also flopped socially. I’ve lived in Hamilton for over a year now and done exactly zero social events that have not been work related. Existing friendships have only been maintained through efforts on their part, not mine. I’ve been saved from loneliness because I have a partner which also means I only really hang out with my partner, and if we got married I’d be saying I was marrying my best friend because he’s pretty much my only friend and gross. 

I’m extremely proud of what I achieved in 2023 while also aware that rinse and repeat isn’t the option for me in 2024. It’s quite an odd position for me where I have so many things moving in the right direction, while also needing to make changes to support my own wellbeing and the person I want to be long-term. Not going to put any of those intended changes in writing just yet, you’ll have to see how it shakes out haha.  

Thanks for reading, and all the best to anyone else in the process of figuring out who and where they want to be this year.